Cut the ties and set me free

I didn’t realise
when did I come
to be so shameless
why is it for
is it because of the
desperate desire
for attention and affection
what is the purpose
it’s so fucking stupid
but since when?
since when…
when the neglecting started
when they failed
when the lethal seed was sowed
right at that time…
it’s a huge barrier now
it’s bearing fruits
i’m making them eat it
Hahah, aren’t you scared now?
is it my fault that
I couldn’t cope
that I couldn’t resist the current they were throwing at me
Is it my fault?
the toxicity that is flowing in my veins
what about that?
would you suck it?
or would you slit my vessels
to let it flow?
SET ME FREE

Funny enough

I wish you were crushed to death on a grinder
I wish I could never you see your face again making me blind-er
All the emotions seem too little to deem
But we could hold hands as I
dream

That lonely flower lying in the grass. You wouldn’t notice either would you remember.

I don’t need a crowd
to listen to my words
my voice or my emotions
I just need those
who would listen to understand
the underlying feelings of it
not just to reply
not just to praise
or criticise
just because they want to
regardless of the need
just for the sake of it
It isn’t necessary, is it?
I want to be understood
It isn’t arduous, is it?
you don’t want to
you don’t realise how much I felt
when writing even a word of that letter
How much of myself I put into loving you
If you did
Perhaps you’d be here
holding me
If not my body then my soul

Maybe we never deserve it

It’s weird
how I notice everything
and feel it
how easily I can
point out the difference
the pressure increases
causing contractions
in the blood vessels
of my whole body
my soul aches
No its not the same
I realise I didn’t understand it
when I was a child
Or maybe I did
I did and that’s why I’m here
writing these poems
I wanted a little hope to be given
A little affection
Not the fuss you create
in the name of
constructive criticism
maybe its not weird
its just been the way it is
we never deserve it

On my own funeral

I’m sitting on a chair
Listening
“do you have any idea how she died?”
“My aunt said she saw her when she was standing on the edge of the railings”
“Omg she was so young to die”
“Yeah i wonder what made her do so”
“I heard it has something to do with her…”
The other person hurries, “Shhhh!! lower”

‌I look at them
‌I look at my mom
‌wiping her tears again and again
‌she cries
‌my sister could not come

‌I keep watching them
‌I wonder what took me so long
‌what took me so long to take this step
‌I keep watching them greet everyone
‌putting on fake smiles and them
giving fake consolations
‌I feel sorry for making them cause
such an expense
‌even after I died
‌they can talk whatever they want about me
‌I don’t exist anymore
‌I don’t, do I?

‌After a few years later
‌they will already hide all my stuff
‌like they hid dads
‌they don’t talk about it
‌they wont talk about it
‌they won’t try to solve
‌they will tell people they had no idea
‌wish I talked to it them
‌It could’ve been “solved”

‌The day i died
was a sunny
yet a cloudy day
There were so many clouds clustering
roaming around pretending
they have nowhere to go
they were not pretending
neither was I
‌the wind was loud
‌the birds were loud
‌they always were
maybe they wanted to tell something
or aware someone?
‌the sun was trying to peak
through the clouds but it could not
‌just as me

Shame

That day it rained so much but
nobody could tell it would rain that day
the season was like that
Death season
It rained a lot
Not for so long
It didn’t rain cats and dogs
It didn’t bring a storm
It just rained
As if all the droplets were so heavy
As if all of them meant something
They were seeking something
So desperate
the rain stopped somehow like
nothing happened
As if the weather itself was hiding
what had happened
why it happened
It was so wrong
But I died

It rained again after a few hours
That day was just about raining
And tears
It didn’t stop coming down
I couldn’t stop
crying
everything they said
I cried
I cried so much that at some point
it didn’t make sense
I didn’t understand why
Why did I cry so much
Why am I so hurt
Why am I even existing
I thought,
I died

I didn’t die that day
I don’t have any clue how to feel about it
I’m not ashamed
I did it right ?
I couldn’t let it go
not even I could hold it
I cried so much that day
It wasn’t enough
I tried to harm myself
I could not
I just could not
I could not

death isn’t scary anymore
Living is
I hope all my hopes
find a home
A home
A true home

Emotions too loud, I can’t hear you

you envy your own daughter
then what do you expect
from them instead
what you ever taught them
was always toxic as hell
you never knew when you taught
those dirty thoughts
those toxic chemicals destroy
the whole efforts they make
won’t you ever be as kind as
you should be mother
why do we upset you so much
you should realise
you have a dilemma within
please stop playing the victim
I want to play outside in the wood
away from the diseases
that everyone is spreading
Dear favorite, if you are watching
us from up there
Hope you will show us some sign.
Help us recover.
Help us shine.

Don’t come back because I expect you to

By the time you came home
It was already late
I put on my favourite dress
Pack my bag
Take my journal and
a photograph of my hero I had
I keep waiting for you to come back
We will take over all the fears we have
I take another glance at the bag
Perhaps I was leaving something important
You came back at the mid of the night
I was half asleep by then
But I could see how drunk you were
I don’t understand if I’m breathing or not
The feeling it gives me is
something unpleasant
Yet It’s s not anger it’s not loathe
I certainly lost the battle I was fighting for
Volcanic eruption from my eyes
I can’t resist I can’t see anything
Wish I couldn’t feel
I’m not afraid
You are paranoid
You don’t let it go
Is that how you survive?
All the resistance you have made
You won’t ever be able to compensate
The moments you have tarnished
Will the uneven edges ever be mended?

Inside

things gets stuck on my head like they shouldn’t be. I can’t get rid of this feeling please help me. As soon as I express it I regret it. damn I regret it I hope I find a day completely away from it. I can’t sleep because I don’t know what I am doing. What […]

Inside